Never.Lose.Hope. ♥

I woke up, searching. LIKE OMG.
ahhh.
Good times.
Autumn 2011.
 

I still repeat the things you said to me in my head.
I actually cant tell if it's killing me, or making me stronger. Wow.
 

 
You asked me yesterday if i wanted you to write on your tumblr again. I said I dont know.
Truth is, I read the stuff you've wrote from before and it often makes me happy or just schmile at the little things. I like it that way.
I dont know what you would write if you were to write now. I just know you might write something that would hurt me to read but I'll read it again and again because I've grown to the idea of hurting myself with the words I love most.
 

I just hope you learn that you are of some worth and if you put your heart and mind to it, you can do it.
- I dont give up on people. never have and you're not gonna be the first i give up on either.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
At night, my thoughts wander and find you.

You know when you read something and think to yourself that once upon a time I would know that those words were for me but now when you read it you know it's not anymore.
A part of you thinks was it ever?
 
I don't even know why I'm doing this. It sucks.
I suck.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It felt weird later on when I realised that I called your mami, mami. I don't know whether that was wrong or if I dont have that right anymore. It hurt for some reason. It's something really little but It had an impact.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember when Awais said how you start to plan your future with someone and then you have to learn to let go and pretend that none of it ever happened.
You'd think I would have learned second time round.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When you say that you're exactly like him; I didn't answer.
I didn't say you are and I didn't say you're not.
I hope you don't try to read into that and hold that.

And I hope you find it,
What you're looking for
And I hope it's everything you dreamed your life could be
And so much more
 
And I hope you're happy, wherever you are
I wanted you to know that
And nothing's gonna change that
And I hope you find it
 
---------------------
I think I remember making a set with this song for Dozo.
Today I write it for you. I doubt you'll see this but maybe someday I'll tell you.
 

 
'In a parallel world if i wasn't such a man slag, I would have made you mine already.'
 

 

 

 

If i do see you, I don't know if i'll come say hello or walk the other way. I don't know why, but that upsets me.

I should have listened when she said not to go out and see him.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I'll always be the second option.

She looked happy. That's all that really mattered to me.
 

 

He reminded me about how back in school we all swore never to leave each other and we'd always be a pack in college life together. It hurt how much things have really changed since then.
I'm glad I didnt cry.
 
I remembered you hugging me that day in the ackers while you had to bend down for me, complaining about your broken back because of my hugs; You said to watch how it all stays like this in college. It didn't. But we schmiled at each other today, after what seemed like years. It was a different sort.- A knowing schmile but it wasn't blank. It was some sort of a proof that the memories didn't really die. Thankyou for that.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Because even now, you wont stop making me feel crap about myself.
It sucks.

Bad dream.
An old nightmare just came back.
 

 
Fainted again.
Mom freaked out :'(
 

 
Gramps gave the whole I'm getting old and ready to die soon, speech.
It hurt more because I stood there trying not to cry so he punched me, laughed and walked out.
 

 

 

 

 

 

You said you don't stalk anymore and I do hope you mean that. Makes me feel a tad better that you don't really read any of this.
I dont know what I really said. I mean, i didn't say anything in a bad way but it clearly hurt you.
You said I'm pushing you away, and you dont like that. I feel like you have.
 
Reality is I'm kinda dead in bed and I'll probably pass out again!
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
We're making all the same mistakes.

Read something. That uneasy feeling came back. It hurt but who cares, right.
 

Didn't really want to post this on this here. I had a cute tumblr post to put it on with but then I realised Bastara stalks it and will probably make me talk and I've never lied to her.
 

 

Dappy- Good intentions.
It seemed like forever since that song came up on my phone.
 

 

I want to meet her.
It was a random thought when i woke up. I don't even know why but it was there.
I want to meet her. The her that hates me because she loves him. I want to actually stand in front of her and see how it's like to have someone hate you, just look you in the eye. I will never really get over the fact that someone who probably doesn't even know my full name, hates me. Random thought.
 


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
LOL at what you said though. There was a point when you used to actually like all the patterns I'd wear. You suck sometimes; along with the poop that comes out of your mouth.
I would say this to you, but I kinda do believe everyone's entitled to their own opinion. Yerp, even about me.

I miss being able to sleep right away :'(
Sigh.
 

Successfully completed some Maths exams papers so I thought I should be allowed to come be gay on polyvore for a while.
 

Still cant eat anything, but Dad finally made an appointment for me.
 

Still having my creative block. I cant think of anything for Art and it makes me upset. Like imagine I get bored from the only subject I'm actually decent at.
 
Realising I still have to fix up my Unit1 for photography as well as, do new shoots for Unit2 without a freaking model. GREAT.
what it life even.
 

 

This set is purple.
Farah loves purple.
Farah the sheep needs to come back from pakistan soon before I freak out.
 

 

 

 

When I feel my life is complete after Laura sends me some of the pictures I took in the holidays at college. Proud moment looking at my picture of peppers.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I feel this unwanted emptiness inside me.
 

 

 
....and now I need to work again. oh the joys of life, eyy.

When someone likes an old Polyvore set and I end up looking through all my sets.
I miss being so Naive.
 

 
That random dude that walked into photogrpahy class and demanded to see the dark room. He started the why maths is better than photo debate. He got so excited seeing the cellulose thingy. I was packing up to go home and he happily helped. I like it when strangers you don't even know come and help you; It's them little things.
 
I finally finished TheNotebook. Reading it and watching it. I finally saw what people saw in that. I see why people have such high expectations of love. It made me cry in so many parts of the book just reading how much one person can love another.
I will make my husband write me letters like Noah did and save them for my grandkids. I wish.
 
“In time, the hurt began to fade and it was easier to just let it go. At least I thought it was. But in every boy I met in the next few years, I found myself looking for you, and when the feelings got too strong, I'd write you another letter. But I never sent them for fear of what I might find. By then, you'd gone on with your life and I didn't want to think about you loving someone else. I wanted to remember us like we were that summer. I didn't ever want to lose that.”
*
 
“Would you just stay with me?
Stay with you? What for? Look at us! We're already fighting!
Well that's what we do! We fight! You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a b***h and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass! Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings, you have like a two-second rebound rate and you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing.
So, what?
So it's not gonna be easy, it's gonna be really hard. And we're gonna have to work at this everyday, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever. You and me. Everyday.”
*
(I remembered Foil when I read that, because that would be something he would say. He always considered me a Pain in the ass and he was the biggest prick ever.)
I miss that.
 

“My Dearest Allie.
I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you.
Noah”
 
-The Notebook.
 

 

 

 

 
Bella's lullaby <3
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
I felt a little bit of something, for the first time today, since I gave it all up.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'You don't feel anything when you see me with another guy?'
'No.'
 
^ And that's how I know, I'm just another girl.

When Tahaney tells me that she's in love with the way I dress; It felt like after a long time I genuinely schmiled from the heart at a compliment.
ThankYou.
 

When she ask me why am I scraping through such a flop of a relationship and I don't even know.
 

 

 
I have never been in Love.
I cease to believe in the idea of Love unless someone comes and makes me believe. When someone stay's.
 

Searching showed me happiness.
 

 
FishFingers defined that cute romantic thing from
books.
 

A little girl in love. 'A'.
 

Dozo; mistakes we all make that we need to learn from.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

'Not pretty enough.'
Because there is always someone better who catches their eye.